Welcome to The Canada Comedy Hour: Where Credibility and Credulity gets stretched thinner than the 49th parallel!
(Canned music and applause)
Voice: Hello everybody! I’m your handsome host, Wink Harper!
Wink: Tonight’s show is brought to you by the friendly folks at Cameco Ltd., our very own Canadian Uranium company. As they say at Cameco, we dig, and you pay. (laughter) And tonight’s Show is entitled … Meet the Sinclairs!
Wink: We’re pleased to have as our guest the man who chaired the Truth and Reconciliation Commission: Murray Sinclair! (scattered applause) Murray’s the former judge who helped put the spin on that not so nice matter of dead little Indians. Bummer, eh? But no worries, Canada! The whole story’s really quite funny! And that’s why we’re here tonight, everyone! To make things positive! (applause) So without further ado, let’s bring on Murray Sinclair, who’s appearing tonight with the full approval of his legal counsel.
Murray: Hi Wink.
Wink: Welcome to the show. (pause) Uh, are you able to fit into that chair, Murray?
Murray: Yeah, it should … ow, shit! (pause) Yeah, it’s okay now.
Wink: So Murray, let’s get to it. What’s the deal with all those, well, let’s call them ex-pupils?
Murray: You mean the Indian residential school children?
Wink: Sure. Them.
Murray: Well, I have a statement here about all that from our lawyers … (pause) Aw shit, now where the hell is it?
(sound of rustling papers)
Wink: Take your time, Murray.
Murray: Ok, got it! (pause, clears his throat) “According to our painstaking research and without acknowledging any prior knowledge of or complicity in the alleged incidents, our Commission has concluded that some children died in the residential school system.”
Murray: That’s right.
Wink: How many is some?
Murray: Well, I haven’t checked with our legal department about the specifics, Wink …
Wink: Bloody lawyers, eh Murray? (laughter) So what, did your solicitors dig the graves? Don’t answer that, Murray. I wouldn’t put anything past a lawyer.
Murray: (chortling) You should try living with one.
Wink: Hey, that’s good, Murray! You’re a real funny guy! (laughter) So anyway, about those dead children …
Murray: There were two of them. I think.
Murray: Yeah, well, one for sure. We’re not certain about the other one.
Wink: Two dead children. (pause) Wow, Murray, that’s great detective work. (laughter) So how much have you hit the taxpayers for all that, you chubby faced enemy of the people?
Murray: (sheepishly) Oh, well, it’s somewhere around $68 million, I guess.
Wink: Holy shit, Fat Man! That’s $34 million a corpse!
Murray: No, now just wait, Wink! We had lots of other expenses on the TRC!
Wink: Such as?
Murray: Well, our offices, for one thing. And all the paperclips. You wouldn’t believe the paperwork we had!
Wink: Uh huh.
Murray: Then there were all the luncheon meetings …
Wink: Yeah, we heard about those. Mighty fancy spreads you laid out for yourselves, Murray. Fresh trout, filet mignon, baked Alaska, and all the booze you could stand!
Murray: Well, that’s just your standard Canadian government protocol, you know.
Wink: No doubt. (laughter) I see you’ve got a sweet tooth too, Murray.
Wink: A Ms. Elsie Two Feathers says she saw you scarf down more than a dozen pastries during just one session of your TRC forum. (laughter) Elsie and her friends even gave you an Ojibway Indian name after that …
Murray: (proudly) Really?
Wink: Yeah. “Eats Many Muffins”.
Murray: (indignantly) I’m on a weight loss program, just so you know, Wink.
Wink: You could have fooled me. (laughter) Anyway, Murray, let’s move on to talk about the “G” word.
Murray: The what?
Wink: Genocide, Murray.
Murray: Oh, we never use that term, Wink. We say cultural genocide.
Wink: Say, what?
Murray: Cultural genocide. It sounds nicer. Not so hard on the ears.
Wink: Or on the bank accounts, eh Murray? (laughter) Alright then, Muffin Man. We’ll play in your ballpark. What is this “cultural genocide” thing, anyway?
Murray: It’s when we didn’t appreciate their language.
Wink: Yeah? And?
Murray: And nothing. We were just, you know, kind of insensitive to the Indians.
Wink: Right. And by “we”, you mean who exactly?
Murray: Well, the white people, of course.
Wink: But you’re an aboriginal, aren’t you, Murray?
Murray: Oh. Right. I forgot. (laughter) Well, okay, I meant, they were insensitive, uh, to us. The Indians.
Wink: Is that why those kids died, Murray? From insensitivity?
Murray: Well, no. They caught a cold, or something.
Wink: The two of them.
(Another pregnant pause)
Murray: You know, come to think of it … (sound of more rustling papers) … Right. I guess there was more than two.
Wink: Really? How many more?
Murray: Well, like I said, Wink, I have to check with the lawyers first …
Wink: Right. (laughter) Say Murray, if you need some help with that, you could just ask the people who put them in the ground.
Murray: What? (pause) Who do you mean?
Wink: The churches, numb nuts.
Murray: Oh, no, we couldn’t do that! I mean, my own wife is a United Church member!
Wink: Apparently. (laughter) You much of a church goer, Murray?
Murray: (cautiously) Sometimes. But just on certain holidays …
Wink: So you never asked the churches where those dead kids ended up?
Wink: That’s great police work, Murray. Leave out the prime suspects. (laughter)
Murray: (impulsively) Now look, Wink, don’t blame me for everything! Things were arranged long before I showed up!
(Yet another pregnant pause)
Wink: Oh yeah? Like, what kind of arrangement? (long pause) Murray?
Wink: Are you saying the whole TRC was fixed?
Murray: That’s pretty judgmental of you, Wink. We prefer to call it healing and reconciliation.
Wink: Meaning, what?
Murray: If you start accusing people of things, that just causes bad feelings, Wink.
Wink: Well, we wouldn’t want that, Tonto. (laughter) Now Murray, I hear you’ve been personally attacked by certain people …
Murray: (angrily) Oh yeah? Who?
Wink: Let me finish …
Murray: If it’s someone called Denise I completely deny all of her allegations! I was nowhere near that hotel on the night she claims!
Wink: Excuse me?
Murray: Oh. Sorry. Never mind.
Wink: Actually, I was referring to some of the public critics of the TRC …
Murray: (moaning) Oh, not him again!
Murray: Him! That smart ass out on the west coast! He’s just a no good son of a …
Wink: Murray, now be nice!
Murray: Sorry, Wink, but I get emotional when his name comes up …
Wink: I never said any name …
Murray: Oh but you will! That’s how he works! He uses that know-it-all mouth of his to worm his way into the media …
Wink: Can you tell us who you mean, Murray?
Murray: … and he uses those good looks and fairly nice body of his to woo people to his side …
Wink: Uh, Murray …
Murray: It’s the old sex appeal gimmick! It works every time! Even I almost fell for it!
Murray: Sure! There I was, at the Bayshore Inn one night, my hand on the phone, ready to call up that little prick and ask him out … I tell you, he’s seductive, that one. His soft compelling voice with its masculine undertone, brimming with self-confidence and virility … Jesus! If only he worked for me! I tell you, I’d whip him into line … Yeah …
(A very pregnant pause)
Wink: We were talking about the TRC. And its critics.
Murray: Oh yeah? Oh, right. Well, that’s him. He’s the opposition.
Murray: Jesus H. Murphy, Wink! Are you covering for that little ex-Reverend? (pause) Are you working with him too, that fucking hottie?
Wink: Okay, Murray, why don’t we switch gears for a moment …
Murray: Sure. Fine. Just let him get away with it again …
Wink: Who’s getting away with what, guy?
Murray: (screeching) Him! He’s out there, lying about me, teasing me … as if he’s the only one who’s ever published statistics or occupied a church …
Wink: Oh. I get it.
Wink: You’re talking about …
Murray: No! I refuse to hear his name! That’s what we told the Globe and Mail! You print his name ever again, you quote that little white prick, and you’re gonners! Slam dunk!
Wink: The Globe and Mail?
Murray: Yeah! And the CBC!
Wink: Wow, Murray. This is getting interesting.
Murray: What do you mean?
Wink: Why don’t you tell us more. I mean, about the CBC.
Murray: What’s to tell? Nobody wants a lawsuit.
Wink: You asked the media not to cover this adversary of yours, this …
Wink: Okay, this unmentionable ex-Reverend from the west coast.
Murray: Thank you.
Wink: So they agreed?
Wink: The CBC. The Globe. They agreed not to mention this man anymore, or his work …
Murray: Well of course, dummy. Have you seen him much in the news?
Wink: What else did your media buddies agree not to mention, Murray?
Murray: Oh, come on, Wink.
Wink: Come on, what?
Murray: You don’t expect me to answer that, do you?
Wink: No, I guess not.
Murray: Can I go now?
Wink: Jesus, Murray. My apologies. This has become a real downer of a show.
Murray: It sure has. You were getting almost, well …
Wink: Almost what?
Murray: You know. What’s the word … (pause) Investigative!
Wink: (laughing) Not a chance, Murray. This is Canada!
(laughter and prolonged applause)
Wink: Now that’s more like it! (pause) Murray, any final comments for the audience?
Murray: Yes. Don’t believe what you might read about me and somebody named Denise.
Wink: Our lips are sealed, Murray.
(prolonged applause, canned music)
Wink: Thank you Canada! And we’ll see you next week, when we’ll have as our special guest, the CEO of GoldCorp, a really nice guy named Charles Jeannes, who’ll be dispelling all those bad things people are saying about him and his company … and as an added treat, Charlie will also be doing his own comedy Improv!
Wink: So like we say here on the show: Keep positive, Canada! And keep smiling!